Today a moment of panic set in. We've been wanting this for 81 days, and now I am kind of freaking out. We got moved to Baby Steps. Brynn is no longer one of the tiny tiny babies. She's within a few weeks of coming home. Oh my goodness. It's very strange. I feel like I have lived a hundred lifetimes in the Medical Center of Plano NICU. Yet today, it seems so soon. I cannot get over the shock. I thought I would be thrilled. Instead, I am petrified. Even today while we are sitting on "the big kid side" trying to finish a bottle she bradyed twice and stopped breathing several other times. Ugh.
So I came home and for some reason, the first thing on my mind was, "I don't know how to work her car seat!" So I promptly opened the box, read the manual, played with it, and as a reward to myself, I hooked her little toy doll to the handle. It's not as if she's coming home in it tomorrow, or even this week. I started thinking about the things I needed to put in her diaper bag. I can't believe that I have been a Mom for almost 12 weeks and I have a beautiful diaper bag from a friend, with the tags still attached. I am not sure that a new Mom has ever been more excited to carry a diaper bag than I am right now. Yay!
I am starting to get a little bit sad. all of my NICU friends are still there for a while. In a perfect world we'd all take our tiny tots home on the same day, and reunite the next week for playdates. Probably even our favorite doctors and nurses would show up. Unfortunately this is not a perfect world. I foresee many tears in the future. Who would have ever thought that I would be sad to bring my baby home from the hospital? But after almost 12 weeks there, it almost feels more like home than my house does.
So... Hooray for Baby Steps. Kind of.
What a wonderfully heartfelt post! Courtney- I have no doubt you are going to be a great mom and Isaac a great dad. These feelings you are having are completely normal, and I'm glad you decided to share them publicly!
ReplyDeleteCourtney, the feelings you write of are all too familiar! I already had two children, and I was STILL petrified at the thought of bringing Avary home from NICU. Scared out of my mind, actually. Everything about her had been different than my other two; how could I know what to do if she quit breathing at home w/ no machines to tell me??? How would I know exactly what she needed, when she needed it, as the nurses knew better than I did up until that point? Ugh! It was such a range of emotions... that NO ONE ELSE could understand. All around me, people were commenting on how excited I must be, and inside, I was crying! Like you, I thought we'd never be happier than the day we brought her home, but it was more strange than ever!
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are so normal, and even though the road will definitaly not be covered in roses when you DO take her home (many more ups and downs), once you settle in, the NICU will eventually become a memory and the life you dreamed of with your baby girl will just be starting!!!
So, get that beautiful diaper bag ready, freshen up her princess room, and take it all in, b/c the Mommy Fantasy is ready to begin!!!